Breaking Free from the Cycle of People-Pleasing
Many of us grew up believing that being “nice” meant saying yes, keeping the peace, and putting others’ needs first. On the surface, this looks generous and kind. But beneath the surface, people-pleasing often has less to do with kindness and more to do with fear.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is often mistaken for simply being “kind” or “helpful.” In reality, it’s a coping strategy that develops when our sense of safety or worth feels tied to others’ approval. Instead of making choices from authenticity, people-pleasers often move through the world trying to manage how others see them. This can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and a disconnection from one’s true needs.
Common traits of people-pleasers include:
Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
Avoiding conflict, even at the expense of your own needs
Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
Over-apologizing or downplaying your own feelings
Struggling with boundaries and fearing rejection
Equating your worth with how much you do for others
Why Saying “Yes” Feels Safer Than “No”
People-pleasing isn’t actually about kindness but rather about avoiding the discomfort of letting someone down.
When you say yes against your own needs, it’s usually not because you don’t know what you want. It’s because you’ve been taught—through family, culture, or past experiences—that your worth is tied to how others see you.
Psychologists have found that people who identify as “people-pleasers” often experience higher levels of social anxiety and self-criticism, because their self-esteem is dependent on others’ approval (Cox et al., 2020).
The Shame & Disappointment Cycle
At the heart of people-pleasing is the fear of shame and disappointment. When you say yes out of obligation, it’s not always because you want to make someone happy; it’s because the thought of them being upset with you feels unbearable. Disappointing others can trigger old, deeply ingrained beliefs that you are “not enough” or unworthy of love as you are. To avoid this painful feeling, you overextend yourself, hoping to stay safe from disapproval. But the cost is that you begin to disappoint yourself instead, creating a cycle of resentment, burnout, and disconnection from your own needs.
Many people-pleasers hold onto the belief: “I know how painful disappointment feels, and I never want to make someone else feel that way because of me.” While this comes from a place of empathy, it can keep you trapped in self-sacrifice and learned helplessness. The truth is, disappointment is an inevitable part of being human. Just as you’ve survived moments when others let you down, the people in your life are capable of handling their own disappointment too. Protecting others from every uncomfortable feeling isn’t your responsibility. Real connection happens when you allow space for both your needs and theirs to coexist, even if it sometimes leads to disappointment.
The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is exhausting. It drains your energy, blurs your boundaries, and often leaves relationships feeling one-sided. When you’re constantly scanning for what others need from you, your own needs get buried down. Over time, this creates the invisible weight of resentment, depletion, and a loss of connection to yourself.
The most painful cost, though, is what happens in your relationships. Many people-pleasers long for closeness and genuine connection, yet the habit of always accommodating others can actually push that closeness further away. When you are constantly performing the role you think others want you to play (think: agreeable, dependable, selfless, etc.) people never get to know your full, authentic self. Because authentic real people have needs, desires, and limits. Instead, they see the version of you designed to avoid conflict or disappointment, but not the version with opinions and preferences unique to you.
Ironically, the very strategy meant to preserve connection ends up creating distance. Without authenticity, relationships can remain shallow or imbalanced. True intimacy, whether in friendships, family, or partnerships, requires being known as you truly are. The risk of showing up fully may feel scary and may require some help, but it is also the path toward deeper, more meaningful connections.
Gentle Next Steps
Pause before saying yes. Give yourself a moment to check in with what you really want.
Start small. Practice boundaries in lower-stakes situations first.
Notice your feelings. Guilt or anxiety may arise at first. They lessen with practice.
Seek support. Journaling, therapy, or a trusted friend can help you untangle old patterns.
In Conclusion
Being kind at the expense of yourself isn’t sustainable, and the resulting resentment won’t allow you to continue to be kind. True connection comes when you allow yourself to be authentic, even if it means others feel disappointed at times.
You deserve to live with the freedom that comes from knowing your worth doesn’t depend on anyone else’s approval.
References
Cox, D. W., Moes, A., & Gartenberg, J. (2020). People-pleasing, interpersonal stress, and anxiety: Testing a model of social anxiety symptoms. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 75, 102287. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2020.102287