Most of us move through life with a long list of things we should be doing. But “shoulds” aren’t values. They’re often inherited expectations passed down from family, culture, community, or workplace norms. And when those expectations guide our choices more than our inner compass does, we end up feeling disconnected, resentful, overwhelmed, or unsure of who we are and what we want.

Birthdays are supposed to be joyful, affirming milestones—but for many people-pleasers, they can feel wildly uncomfortable. If you find yourself dreading your birthday rather than looking forward to it, you’re not alone. Here’s why this happens, what’s going on beneath the surface, and how you can navigate it more gently.

Many of us grew up believing that being “nice” meant saying yes, keeping the peace, and putting others’ needs first. On the surface, this looks generous and kind. But beneath the surface, people-pleasing often has less to do with kindness and more to do with fear.

We’ve all had moments when something we said or did didn't sit right. Maybe we snapped at someone we care about. Or forgot an important birthday. In the aftermath, two powerful emotions can show up: guilt and shame.

At first glance, they can feel similar. Both bring a heavy emotional weight. Both can trigger a desire to retreat or “fix” something. But understanding the difference between guilt and shame is essential for emotional healing and mental well-being.