Guilt vs. Shame: How to Tell the Difference (And Why It Matters)
We’ve all had moments when something we said or did didn't sit right. Maybe we snapped at someone we care about. Or forgot an important birthday. In the aftermath, two powerful emotions can show up: guilt and shame.
At first glance, they can feel similar. Both bring a heavy emotional weight. Both can trigger a desire to retreat or “fix” something. But understanding the difference between guilt and shame is essential for emotional healing and mental well-being.
Let’s untangle the differences together.
Guilt Says: "I did something bad."
Shame Says: "I am bad."
This is the clearest distinction offered by researcher and social worker Dr. Brené Brown, whose work on vulnerability, courage, and empathy has helped millions.
Guilt focuses on a behavior or action. It's our internal compass letting us know we’ve gone against our values and morals. For example: “I shouldn’t have yelled at my friend. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.”
Shame, on the other hand, targets the self. It internalizes the mistake and makes it about our identity. For example: “I yelled at my friend. I’m a terrible person.”
As Brené Brown puts it, "Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement."
— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
How They Show Up in the Body
Both guilt and shame can produce similar sensations in the body, which is one reason people often confuse the two.
Common physical symptoms:
A tightness in the chest
Stomach knots or nausea
Heat or flushing in the face and/or back of the neck
A heavy or sunken posture
Urge to hide, shrink, or make oneself smaller
These are normal nervous system responses—signs that your body is picking up on a perceived threat, even if that “threat” is internal (like criticism or self-judgment). If you’re someone who experiences high-functioning anxiety or perfectionism, these sensations may feel familiar and frequent.
What differentiates guilt from shame in the body often comes down to the story we tell ourselves while experiencing these sensations.
With guilt, there’s often a path toward repair: an apology, a change in behavior, a commitment to do better.
With shame, the path can feel like a dead end. The internal narrative says, “There’s something wrong with me, and I can’t fix it.”
When We Fear Getting in Trouble
Another layer that often surfaces—especially for people pleasers, first-borns, or those raised in strict, high-expectation, or culturally rigid environments—is the deep fear of “getting in trouble” or someone being mad at us. This fear often traces back to early childhood, when authority figures like parents, teachers, or caregivers responded to mistakes not with curiosity or teaching, but with punishment, disapproval, or withdrawal of affection.
When a child is scolded, shamed, or harshly punished for normal behaviors (like forgetting something, speaking up, or expressing big feelings) they may start to internalize the message: “When I make a mistake, I am bad.” Over time, this wiring doesn't just create guilt about behavior; it wires in shame about the self. The nervous system learns to equate any perceived wrongdoing with the threat of rejection, punishment, or loss of connection.
Even as adults, this early conditioning can show up as a strong bodily reaction to conflict or perceived disapproval: racing thoughts, a pounding heart, stomach tension, or the urge to apologize excessively or avoid the situation altogether. This response can mimic both guilt and shame, and is often fueled by a deeper fear:
“ If I mess up, I’ll be rejected or unloved.”
Recognizing the roots of this fear can be a powerful step toward healing. It allows us to shift from internalizing blame to cultivating self-compassion and understanding.
Why This Distinction Matters in Therapy
In my work with clients—especially those who identify as people pleasers, over-functioners, or those who carry high internal standards—this guilt-shame confusion is incredibly common.
When we can name what we’re feeling accurately, we’re better equipped to respond with compassion, rather than spiraling into self-criticism.
Guilt can motivate us to grow, learn, and reconnect.
Shame isolates us, often keeping us stuck in silence and self-doubt.
Therapy provides a safe space to explore these emotions, trace their roots, and shift the stories we tell ourselves. You don't have to navigate these feelings alone.
Ask Yourself
When I feel that pit-in-my-stomach sensation, what is the story I am telling myself?
Is this about something I did or about who I am?
Can I approach this feeling with curiosity instead of judgment?
What evidence do I have to believe that I am actually wrong or in the wrong?
A Human Experience
Both guilt and shame are part of the human experience. But they don’t have to take the wheel. With support, you can learn to listen to the message, regulate your body, and respond in ways that align with your values, not your inner critic.
If this resonates with you, you're not alone. You're human. And you're already doing the brave work of emotional awareness just by being here.
Sources
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (TEDxHouston Talk, 2010). The Power of Vulnerability.
Nathanson, D.L. (1992). Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.